Listening to: "Gravity" -Wolf's Rain OST Vol. 01
Schedules, meetings, classes.....it's all about to make my brain explode. I've been procrastinating so much, and I'm willing to bet it appears as though I quit a lot of things altogether, such as deviantART. Well, you can believe whatever you want. In truth, I've not had much time for deviantART or any other online hobbies I used to have like in days long past.
Things are going alright, but what I mentioned hitherto has contributed greatly to stress, and inevitably my psyche has been diminishing, to the point where I've almost not been giving a shit about anything.
I turned 24 last month. I miss my youth.
I guess part of the reason I've not been posting much in the dA Journal is due to the fact, or perhaps just fear, that I am being monitored. A lot of things have happened in the last few months, and because I don't want to appear ignorant, I am keeping my guard up. After all, the Internet is not a safe place. Nothing is private. Not even these deviantART Journal entries. I'm rather surprised that nothing happened yet. Of course, now that I say that, something is bound to happen eventually. There are times when I pretty much welcome it. I hate it here. I'd do anything to leave this shit-hole. Oh sure; it's peaceful here, but economically, this place is nothing more than a dead end. If anything where I live is just a place for old people to retire.
And in the meantime, I've been receiving a "calling" by others. Those who have no calling must be given one by those who do, and those who receive these callings have to live by them to the fullest. I suppose it's a fact of life that if someone is unable to create his own future, no matter how or why, it is the duty of others to bestow a future upon those who cannot create their own. In the end, you cannot become whatever you want to be. You can only become more of what you already are. But maybe this concept is debatable; it's possible that an individual can become whatever he wants if he puts much into it and is able to manifest it in some way or another.
I don't cry much anymore. It's pointless. People look at those who cry and assume that that person is only seeking attention. Not that I'm the type to expose myself like that to the public. No amount of crying, screaming, or begging can change anything in an individual's circumstance. And why is that person experiencing those circumstances? Well, I've learned that even though there is a who, what, where, when, and how.....there is no why. There is no why because "why" complicates others; people only want things to get through quickly and effectively. "Why" involves reason, and reason is something people often steer clear from, because that too complicates their judgments and actions. Or maybe people do have a reason, but that reason is ultimately reckless and ill-conceived.
It's way past my bed-time. I just felt like making this entry on account of because.