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  • Listening to: "Gravity" -Wolf's Rain OST Vol. 01
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Schedules, meetings, classes.....it's all about to make my brain explode.  I've been procrastinating so much, and I'm willing to bet it appears as though I quit a lot of things altogether, such as deviantART.  Well, you can believe whatever you want.  In truth, I've not had much time for deviantART or any other online hobbies I used to have like in days long past.

Things are going alright, but what I mentioned hitherto has contributed greatly to stress, and inevitably my psyche has been diminishing, to the point where I've almost not been giving a shit about anything.

I turned 24 last month.  I miss my youth.

I guess part of the reason I've not been posting much in the dA Journal is due to the fact, or perhaps just fear, that I am being monitored.  A lot of things have happened in the last few months, and because I don't want to appear ignorant, I am keeping my guard up.  After all, the Internet is not a safe place.  Nothing is private.  Not even these deviantART Journal entries.  I'm rather surprised that nothing happened yet.  Of course, now that I say that, something is bound to happen eventually.  There are times when I pretty much welcome it.  I hate it here.  I'd do anything to leave this shit-hole.  Oh sure; it's peaceful here, but economically, this place is nothing more than a dead end.  If anything where I live is just a place for old people to retire.
And in the meantime, I've been receiving a "calling" by others.  Those who have no calling must be given one by those who do, and those who receive these callings have to live by them to the fullest.  I suppose it's a fact of life that if someone is unable to create his own future, no matter how or why, it is the duty of others to bestow a future upon those who cannot create their own.  In the end, you cannot become whatever you want to be.  You can only become more of what you already are.  But maybe this concept is debatable; it's possible that an individual can become whatever he wants if he puts much into it and is able to manifest it in some way or another.

I don't cry much anymore.  It's pointless.  People look at those who cry and assume that that person is only seeking attention.  Not that I'm the type to expose myself like that to the public.  No amount of crying, screaming, or begging can change anything in an individual's circumstance.  And why is that person experiencing those circumstances?  Well, I've learned that even though there is a who, what, where, when, and how.....there is no why.  There is no why because "why" complicates others; people only want things to get through quickly and effectively.  "Why" involves reason, and reason is something people often steer clear from, because that too complicates their judgments and actions.  Or maybe people do have a reason, but that reason is ultimately reckless and ill-conceived.

It's way past my bed-time.  I just felt like making this entry on account of because.
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I've not posted anything on deviantART for the longest time; I know, you know, so whatever.

I'm really considering calling it good on deviantART.  For a few years I used deviantART as a sort of recreational thing, whether it be posting a journal update or posting another image, be it digital or drawing.  But things have been happening lately, and to say the very least, much of it has been killing my interests.  But one reason in particular is that I feel like nothing good comes out of anything recreational.

I've found myself posting work on my own Zazzle shop, www.zazzle.com/zazzler55811 .  They may not be so artistic, but the reason I've done this is for obvious reasons.....money.  See, I still can't find a job in this festering shit-hole I call home.  I have made some sales on my Zazzle shop, though they're not as frequent as the other companies that decided to get their cut on the website.  Zazzle is far better than CafePress, to be honest.  At least they don't require your Social Security number like CafePress did.

I've decided to condone the belief that "If you're good at something, never do it for free."  We all know where that line comes from, but does it not feel so true?  I do appreciate fanfare, good karma, and street cred....but none of them are currency.  Love isn't currency, either.  No offense to anyone here, but up to now I've used my skills pretty much for free.  I think now it's time for me to put a price on it.  But I won't do it here on deviantART, obviously.

I learned a thing about self-esteem recently.  Self-esteem is where you get what you want, not what you can.  Think about that for a while.  Seriously.  I've been working at part-time jobs for five years, though I've been unemployed for two years as of late.  I would seriously rather have a job that I would enjoy, a job that would put my SKILLS to practical use, like typing or artistry.  The problem, however, is that Duluth is so economically-depressed that it's not even funny.  Where I live is pretty much a vacation resort, where people can just go to retire.  This place is behind on everything, like we're still in the 20th Century.  Almost nothing is digital, either.

Anyway, just a small update.
  • Listening to: Stuff going on outside.
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Obviously you would know that I'm still around, because a week ago I submitted a screenie of my current wallpaper.

I don't think I will be quitting deviantART, because if I said I was quitting, then I would be a hypocrite because obviously I would log back on to check for updates and possibly submit a deviation.  However I do want to state that I've not been around due to personal issues, particularly procrastination, long-distance relationship tension, and mental problems that I recently learned of.  Of course, you're thinking I have mental problems because of the images I uploaded, but that's you being prejudiced.  It all goes back to my experiences in school, and it's stuff I don't really want to get into.

I've been attempting to keep more discrete online, too.  I don't have an exact, logical reason for why I am keeping discrete.  I feel like I'm "changing".  One might assume that I'm turning into an asshole soon enough, which may not be far from the truth because, by some coincidence, having learned of what traces of disorders & syndromes I have has contributed to me becoming more irritable.  It has a lot to do with how I feel I've lost faith in humanity.  I feel like I cannot trust anyone anymore.  Basically, there was a lot of emotion I invested into these past few years, and although I live in my own apartment now, none of it is where I wanted to be.  If I had known that circumstances would be as they are now, truly I would have pushed harder while I was still working.  Now, denounce me all you want for what I'm about to say....but my energy is sapped.  There's so much going on in my personal life now, and I'm so far behind on certain events.  This is a possible example of "false confidence", the thing in which you are confident and proceeding on your little journey by putting your confidence to work....you would feel like you truly were getting somewhere in life, that every day wasn't being wasted, that everything you did was contributing to something much bigger, one step at a time.....but when you come to the end of your journey, after all's said and done....it was all for nought.  It's a really crappy feeling, to say the least.
There are times when I feel I might be turning into a racist, too.  Maybe it was a bad idea for me to see American History X, because God damn....that movie was so realistic and almost like I imagined.  People years ago were telling me to see the movie and eventually I did, albeit on YouTube.  I later bought a copy on DVD, which alleviated my "obsession" with the movie.

I've still not been able to get my damned book published.  My social-workers are suggesting that I hold off for a few more decades.  I never hoped to say this to them, but I will have to tell them the truth....I have damned good personal reasons as to why I want the book published.  I know I'm 23, and people would think it's weird to see a youngster like me writing a book about my life.  Well, you see, the book isn't entirely about my life.  It's also about my opinions of various aspects of life.  If anything, the book could be a philosophical title, though I don't think any genre would fit.  I'm not just in it for money, either.  I want to gauge the world's views, and see if some of my views will help them in one way or another.  I'm not a saint, mind you.  But apart from the concept of helping others, I mostly want to get my own views out to the world, preferably very soon.  When I'm online posting on blogs, I feel like I'm posting views that are very similar to what I have already written in my book.  There will always be at least one person on the Internet who will find these things and steal my ideas.  It's very irritating to have to repress the urge to express myself.  Basically, I'm taking a big, big risk by making this entry.  Weird as it sounds.
There are online websites that let you submit your work in a .PDF format (something I can't do because the program to do so costs money, something I also do not have).....but I am discouraged from doing so, because self-publishing websites have had horrific reputations for being untrustworthy.  Unfortunately there are no publishers anywhere in my area, except for one, but they're small-time and require a niche.  I don't have a niche.  I am what I am, God damn it.

The economic recession of this country is starting to piss me off, especially since I have given up trying to find a job.  More and more I'm for a war economy, and for the rise of PMC's, but we all know a war economy does far, far, far more harm than good.  If it's war, you know it's bad.  Don't remind me; I'm sick of people complaining about how bad war is.  Of course war is awful.  But sometimes it's the only method.  I hate to admit it but OIF has dragged on long enough, though.  Assuming progress is being made, how long does it take for the new government to get its act together?  Unfortunately, I heard stories about how the new police serve as a sort of death squad at night-time.  Not only that, but many of them are incompetent at best.  On the other hand, there are reports of soldiers finding it "boring" over there.  Overall, though, I don't know personally what's going on over there; there are a million places to consult, including news stations and Internet sites, even YouTube (some soldiers have uploaded their little videos to YouTube, way before that whole puppy-throwing incident).  Some say it's non-stop fighting 24/7 over there, but others say it's not that intense.  There is no source to trust.  We're on our own to make our own decisions based on what all we research.

...

...on June 12th, Metal Gear Solid 4 : Guns of The Patriots finally arrives.  Mom said she would help me in getting that 80GB PS3 bundle.  The total is $500.  Not bad considering that the 40GB green-colored PS3 bundle is $600.  The videogame industry is annoying me, too, but that's another financial issue, really.  I don't want to admit it, but I think that after I get this PS3 and play with it for as long as it exists in the coming years....I may just retire from gaming.  I hate to do it, because gaming is my life-long habit, therefore quitting will be difficult.  But, for many years now, I've been far behind, unable to keep up, unable to get them all like I used to when I was little.  The PS3 comes first.  In later years I may get the Xbox 360, though I'd get the Wii over that one because the Wii always was a unique system since its release.  I imagine Nintendo will continue to make games & entertainment systems for a long time.  But honestly, I don't know if I can keep up with it anymore. :(

Maybe the PS3 is why we're having a recession. :lol: Nobody can afford the hottest gaming console on the market (Wii?), so they have to save their money all the time, and when it happens by the millions, that's when economic performance turns shitty.  I think.  I'm not an economist; that shit's confusing.

Well, I think I've said enough for now.  I needed some way to kill time, anyway.  I'm tempted to make some HDTV wallpapers or something; they seem so easy to make, and when I get that damned system I could experiment around a little. =P
  • Listening to: A new, 20-minute MGS4 gameplay trailer. ^-^
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UPDATE (3/21/2008; 11:08PM CST)

www.popgive.com/2008/03/since-…

Alright, so speaking of animal cruelty, while we're on the topic of it for this entry, I'm afraid there's a new one that came up.  I'd like to see someone talk about the incident behind the link.  Call me an ignorant patriot if you must, but I think this one's worse.  It's disgusting.  And why is it happening?  For "art".

What we are learning here, ladies & gentlemen, is that people are so fucking stupid anymore.  What is this world coming to?  If everybody around us is a fucking idiot, then how are we supposed to survive?
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UPDATE (3/14/2008; 9:25AM CST)

It sounds like, for now anyway, the video has been confirmed as legitimate, therefore that was a real puppy being thrown off the cliff.  I may continue researching whatever I can of this news, but it sounds like the marine deserves what I described earlier (see entry below).  Nonetheless, I still find it disgusting that his personal information was disclosed to the public so they can commit their acts.  Some claim they are proliferating his address and personal information so they can enact lawful protest, but we all know that giving out his personal information everywhere online will conceive millions of different types of angry people, some of whom could be extremists.

Lord knows that just because one marine does it apparently means that the entire USMC does it.  If any other nationality did such a thing, there would probably be less of a protest, but that's to be expected when the United States of America is being watched and "justly" persecuted for whatever act her soldiers might carry out.
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3/9/2008

www.liveleak.com/view?i=621_12…

My mom spoke to me of news of a marine throwing a puppy off a cliff back in Tuesday when we were having brunch at the relocated, further-away Country Kitchen restaurant.  Well, on Thursday, I finally saw the clip for myself; I ran into it by accident on LiveLeak.  The link above shows it.

Well, it goes without saying, but I ended up disgusting a lot of people when I showed them this video.  I ended up ruining one's day.  I am in no way saying I'm proud of sending her that link.  I didn't expect it to hurt her that deeply.  Well, she's not the only one who was devestated by the video.  An international incident was pretty much made out of the event.  People have already begun to treat it like it's worse than the Holocaust.  The United States Marine Corps has launched an investigation in order to, basically, get to the bottom of this incident.  The pitcher's personal information, including his home address and the address of his parents, were disclosed, and the marine has already received numerous death-threats.

Now comes the part nobody wants to hear.......the concept that the video could in fact be a fake.  I'm sure you're screaming at me to shut up and watch it over and over and see that it is legit.  Well, guess what?  I can't be the judge of that.  Welcome to the world of editing.  With being able to edit videos, it does become more difficult to determine the legitimacy of such shocking videos.  Therefore, we will have to use our most basic senses, such as our eyes, in order to figure things out....
....there is one thing I noticed about the puppy in the video, and I also heard such similar claims about it.  How come the puppy's limbs are stiff like that?  Shouldn't they be dangling downward?  As you know, it doesn't hurt a dog when you hold it by the back-neck, not even when you clutch it (don't clutch puppies, though; it may hurt them).  Come to think of it, shouldn't the puppy be wailing its limbs everywhere while it flies off the cliff?  Also how can a living, breathing puppy be thrown that far, what-with spinning?  Shouldn't it be heavier if it's alive?  Naturally it would have rigor mortis if it were dead, hence the stiff limbs, but still.
Another thing just hit me.  How would that breed of dog be common in Iraq?  Or Afghanistan for that matter?  I saw one video of an emaciated dog in Iraq; it was feasting on a soldier's spare MRE's, growling fiercely as it did, snapping at anyone who came near it.  Well, some say the incident took place in Hawaii.  The reason I included Afghanistan was because Afghanistan is more mountainous than Iraq.

If the puppy were truly alive, then the marine should get slapped upside the head.  I like dogs, so naturally puppies are just adorable.  Nonetheless, I am against the idea that his personal information was disclosed for all the public to procure and carry out their death-threats and overzealous, over-reactive cries.  It reminds me of the political mind-set of people today, especially kids my age or younger.  They cry about how this country is Orwellian, like something out of 1984.  And yet, when someone does something terrible like throwing an animal off a cliff, his personal information is released to the public, and then the angry masses act Orwellian in their own right.  Hypocrisy much?  Lord knows a similar thing happened after the UCLA Taser Incident; the personal information (address, etc) of one of the guards was released after the incident, which was displayed on a YouTube video once.
I mean, is it right to disclose even an authority-figure's private information all because of something he did, even things that many personally deem as horrific (like UCLA)?  Jesus Christ, you guys.  You want your Oceania-style United States of America?  It will happen soon enough.  You'll get your God-forsaken Orwellian wet-dream-come-true probably around next year or two, probably when Hillary takes 'Office.  Your choice and all, but if you cry about an invasive government in the future, you'll be shocked to realize who truly is to blame for its inception.

youtube.com/watch?v=a2OjbDo4ud… This is the CNN report that partially shows the horrible, God-awful event, an event that will be charred forever in the minds of the masses.
youtube.com/watch?v=N0xjY-4CMd… This is a YouTube video that not only explains the possibilities of it being a fake, but also the ways of how people could turn it into America-hating propaganda, because God knows there's never enough media to provoke & encourage the world's hatred toward us, right?
youtube.com/watch?v=5SNxOcAyKX… This YouTube video is some guy's take on the incident, speaking of things which I at first thought took place right after the incident, but in fact he meant this one, not the puppy-throwing incident.
Oh shi-youtube.com/watch?v=KYsn0LE3XJ…
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www.cafepress.com/cafepress558…

Yeah, so I decided to activate a CafePress shop.  I gave them my SSN a few hours ago; that way I can get some income (hopefully).  Anyway, go to the link above if you want some buttons, which is currently what I'm selling at the moment.  I would love to sell all sorts of designs, but unfortunately I'm too cheap to afford a Premium account.

Oh yeah and I turned 23 a while back.  Nothing too special, to be honest.  It was a quiet day.  I had belated birthday dinner at Ground Round the next day.
  • Listening to: That haunting melody on the Rambo site.
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Been past a month since I last went on deviantART.  I was thinking of quitting, but I figured that if I quit, then I'd only keep coming back to my dA even if only on account of because.

There's been a lot of shit going down, but I think for our sake I will spare you.  My book, a memoir & my outlook on life, has long since been finished.  However, I won't be able to get it published due to lack of book publishers in my area.  There's one in Minneapolis, but let's consider common sense, which states that it's too far away, and chuck in the truth that I'm dirt poor & still unemployed, and basically you get the idea from there on.

Last night I saw the new Rambo movie.  I should be uploading a deviation related to it soon enough, providing that deviantART finishes its maintenance thingy.
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"If one who has been wronged by another does not wish to rebuke or speak to the offender – because the offender is simple or confused – then if he sincerely forgives him, neither bearing him ill-will nor administering a reprimand, he acts according to the standard of the pious."
-Deot 6:9

"O You who believe! Behold, among your spouses and your children are enemies unto you: so beware of them! But if you pardon & forbear, and forgive, then, behold, Allah is Forgiving, Merciful."
-Qu'ran 64:14

"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him."
-Luke 17:3

"He who forgives ends the quarrel."
-unknown
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The book is well over 410 pages at this point.  Right now I'm touching up on some small things, but in time I will print everything off and find some publisher.  Hopefully it will be mass produced, but for now I just want to finish it all up now.

This book is dedicated to the little sister I never had, and to the rest of the Sitboy Family.  It is also dedicated to all my friends; you know who you are.

My mood?  Oh, something happened, and it's something in which I pray she will awaken to realize....that I made a mistake, that I never meant to hurt her, and that I don't want to lose her, despite her attitude telling me that she's through with me.  At least I've got this book which details my experiences with her...
  • Listening to: Intro (Command & Conquer : Tiberian Sun)
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The fact that I've had virtually no time for deviantART evokes the notion that I'm pretty much finished with deviantART, but I don't feel like ruling out that idea.  I've just been so busy with other things, particularly cleaning house and working on my book.

The book's now almost 400 pages.  I want to wrap it up already, but you know the truth....haste makes waste.  I'll just take my sweet time, I suppose.

Anywho, I know my Christmas deviation is two years old, but the message remains the same.
  • Listening to: Two and a Half Men on TV.
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I haven't had much time to use deviantART for what I used to.  It may be a long time before I ever add anything to my dA account anymore, because I'm still trying to find a job, keeping busy, and among that stuff consists of personal issues I'd rather not discuss.

On a lighter note, my book is now past 210 pages.  I want to wrap it up but I'm trying to be as thorough as possible.  It's all about quality....not quantity. ;)
  • Listening to: Rain outside.
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REPOST FROM ANOTHER FORUM
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Alright so basically I woke up this morning and went online, then went to YouTube. I was logged off apparently. So, I punched in my name and password....it then says "Your account has been permanently disabled.". All my videos have been removed as well, supposedly due to a "Terms of Service violation"; hell that Bobby McFerrin video I posted, which happens to be a millionth version, was taken down with the help of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. Tribute to Fallen was removed for a "Terms of Service violation", along with Halo 3, my Penguin Slap movie, my 28 Weeks Later infection parody (good thing I saved it then)....needless to say, they were all taken down along with my account.

Alright, so this is the case. If my account is suspended for no logical reason, then I demand that the same thing happen to other people's YouTube accounts. I can assure you that there have been users who have pulled off far worse copyleft acts than I have, and I sure as hell didn't act like a troll in the community there.

I don't think it's any use sending an E-mail to YouTube asking why my account was removed. Not only will it take them forever, but their reason will probably be selective and random at best, like "oh there was one thing you sent months ago and we had to delete your account because of it". Took you long enough, fucker.
I am ready to send the message, "I would like YouTube to have a more levelheaded, reasonable, knowledgeable, competent moderating team, one that isn't selective, and does not choose regular users out of the blue so as to delete their accounts on the grounds of lazy or unknown reasons.". I don't care if I get bitten in the ass later on in life just for this; sending them something like this will immidiately make me feel better about myself, 'cause I'm sick of being angry all the time. I think just to play it safe I will send the message later on today after I get it checked over thoroughly.

Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have given the embedding code to my Bobby McFerrin video; I should have kept it disabled. Someone asked for the code, then I enabled embedding of it. Fuckin' aye, this is what I get for having a trusting nature. Well, I can either stay this way, or I can change my attitude and thus be a total asshole by snooping everywhere and keeping tabs on everything.

Sorry....I needed a place to rant. This is something that could be social theory for my book but that's off-topic. The point is that my YouTube account was suspended all of a sudden, and I may never know why, and the fact that there's nothing I can do to get it back pisses me off more than anything. Perhaps even more disheartening is the fact that all the videos I worked hard to make were taken down, and due to technical / financial issues they're not saved on my computer (you think I can easily afford a 1GB flash drive right off the bat? Get real; I'm not rich).
Is this a learning experience? I know some of the videos included copyrighted elements, but in most of the videos I pointed out that the content (cartoons, movies, games) was property of their producers; I was just making fan videos for them. There are at least hundreds of others who do the same thing. So why target me out of the rest of them? Oh wait, don't answer that.

I await advice and criticisms. In the case of criticisms, keep in mind that just because I welcome people to flame me doesn't mean I'm a "martyr" or some crap like that, therefore stop acting like proud know-it-alls over that and get back down to Earth.
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  • Listening to: A plane flying outside.
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  • Drinking: Root Beer, 'cause there's no Mountain Dew.
Well, the political chapter of my autobiography is now 50 pages.  Maybe I should just make the whole book about my political views. :lol:

I've been busy as usual.  I've not been having time to draw; I think my mind is telling me to lay off the drawing and do other things.  Well, this weekend I am going down to Minneapolis again, to go see Flaming Lips.  I'm sick of Minneapolis being my only vacation, however.  I want to get the fuck out of here and go see Tori before she leaves. :cry:

Well, I'm off.
  • Listening to: Frighteners (Armored Core 2 OST)
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It's a slow process, but I'm editing my deviations so that they appear in the format that everyone else has a preference to.  I suppose it's wise that I don't detail my artwork in its rawest form, as it gives me a sense of security, in that no thief will take my work and say "omg itz mine lol".

In personal news, my autobiography is past 50-something pages. :D
  • Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz6DczPpyhA
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35W collapsed in Minneapolis.  How's that for a sack-walloping start for August?

This summer could be considered uneventful for me this year.  I was mostly staying in at home, working on my personal projects.  I tried looking for a job, but to no avail.  In the end, trying to find a job has been quite discouraging.  Not only is everything taken before I even have the chance to go out and get a job, but whatever jobs are available are jobs I don't desire.  I grow tired of the whole "take what you can get" thing when it comes to finding a job.  But I know I will need to find a job someday if I'm to get a PS3, so I can get Guns of The Patriots in March, or whenever in 2008.

Today I have finally begun writing an autobiography.  I'm going to keep it under wraps, though. =P

It is pleasant to finally be able to return to drawing firearms and to post them on deviantART as I have done in early 2006.  However, I must confess that I may have been slacking.  I've been feeling like some of them have been sketchy.  Not only that but I feel under pressure, from myself, to draw up some guns and show them off online.  At the same time, let's be honest : I'm not the type of person who acts according to "the will of the people" or "the interests of the people"...
...keep in mind, though : I recall some people requesting that I draw certain guns for them.  Although it may not happen at this point, I want you to know that I have NOT forgotten your requests.  Someone wanted me to draw a FAMAS.  In time, I will.  But truth be told that my firearms are drawn for a personal, bigger project I've been working on for years; nowadays I'm trying to keep it a secret, lest someone steals my ideas.  It would feel like a waste to spend all these years working on something only to publish it online, all for no reward.

Certain characters have certain guns.  I have yet to consider a character with a FAMAS.  If I decide to have a character who wields a FAMAS, then I will tackle the assignment (for lack of better word).

Got nothing else from my brain-fart.  Oh, and the collapse of 35W is not a terrorist act.  It happened at 6 o'clock, during rush hour.  From the sound of things, the bridge succumbed to heavy weight or something.  Anyway, it is pretty tragic, since the bridge apparently has a nice history. :(
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Looks like I've got my work cut out for me today.  If I'm to update my adoring public on this new turn of events, I'll have to keep on my toes.  I just woke up, and it's muggier than shit right now.  I go on the Snake Soup forums and suddenly I find updates on MGS4, not to mention new screenshots and a newly-revealed character.

Guns of the Patriots is due sometime in Q1 2008.  I still need a God-damn PS3.  I can't donate plasma for a long time due to a bruise someone caused during my last donation there. :(

I'm feeling rather lazy right now.  If you want updates thus far, go to ps3.ign.com/objects/714/714044… or to www.konami.jp/kojima_pro/event… .  IGN has screenies, and Kojima Pro has the new 15-minute gameplay trailer (in Japanese, =P ).

TTFN.  Try to stay frosty.
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There's going to be a new trailer and new screenshots coming soon tonight.  It's about freakin' time.  E3 ain't what it used to be. :(

In other news, the 60GB Playstation 3 has dropped in price; it's now roughly $500.  But at the same time, those bastards decided to release an 80GB PS3.  I still have my eye set on the 60GB one; I have for a year now.  And now I have $100 less to make.  But watch....before I know it, the 80GB will probably have more features that the 60GB doesn't offer.

Guns of The Patriots is due sometime this year.  Konami is keeping tight-lipped about it though.

I don't know if I can get a PS3 or that game by the end of this year, given my debts and lack of optimal financial income.  But still, it's something to keep my spirits up.
  • Listening to: Kiss of Death (28 Weeks Later OST)
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I've been typing documents that are a record of my inner feelings.  I feel like those should be kept personal because they won't make sense to others except myself, and not even I can make heads or tails of what I truly feel.

I have not been donating plasma like I swore I would.  I have been feeling discouraged, lazy, unmotivated, and over-analytic.  I realize that all the money I make from donating my plasma will end up going mostly towards expenses of my mother's.  It's just too much of a hassle to drive all the way to the city, to sit for a ridiculously long time during a selective waiting procedure, only to make $25 (no longer $30 since I lost weight, though I feel heavy lately) that is going to be spent on something that is not mine.

I wish I had a job, and preferably a job that is not physical, and not having to do with retail, food, and I don't want to bother with telemarket.  I want a job where I can just type.  It would be nice to have a job where I can just sit at home and type, like transcription.  But I need a certificate for that.
I won't be returning to college because I got a C and a D in both classes.  In otherwords, I failed.  I failed my supervisor, and possibly myself.  I feel like a hypocrite.  Here I was swearing to everybody that I was going to turn over a new leaf.  But this was the end result.  Hence I feel like a hypocrite.  They probably won't even bother to listen to whatever "excuses" I have to make.  It doesn't matter to superiors if they are truthful or not, because they are just "excuses".  That's how it works in the business world.

Alas I am afflicted with a multitude of disabilities and disorders you don't want to know anything about.

I've been seeing various people, but those details are to kept confidential.

I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.  I just want to get the fuck out of here and go live with Tori.  I should've been able to years ago, but I just didn't have......the money.  Fucking money.  And the only way to earn this money is to bust my balls, because everything else is just a dead-end that screws you over inevitably.  I've been a worker for five years.  Now I'm unemployed, and have been since (coincidentally) September 10 of last year.

I'm gonna see if there's anything worth drawing.  Because my personal projects are what I'm dedicated to more than anything at this point.
  • Listening to: That BGM when Jigsaw paints Billy's face.
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It took the entire day, but I finally completed my final exam for one of my paralegal classes.  I can't feel the weight lifting off my shoulders though....probably because I'm going to celebrate my end of school tomorrow by waking up early to donate my damned plasma and then deprive myself of the computer for the weekend to see my brother over at Minneapolis.  [sarcasm]Mmmmm FUN.[/sarcasm]  Even if there are movies he's going to rent for us to watch, it's just boring over there.  I have no money either.  I'm thinking Mom should just go instead, but it just hit me that Sunday is her birthday.  It has some influence, I suppose.  Family togetherness, that kind of crap.  Unfortunately, Bernie's been adament about us going to his apartment to visit.  I don't get why he should be, unless anything has changed there.
I don't know what's more irritating about going over to see him....the stay itself, or the hassle of getting ready to take a millionth hundreds-mile trip there.  I mean, for fuck's sake this isn't New York or another country.  No need to pack up on shitloads of stuff that probably won't even be used.  I know what I'm bringing with me already.  I don't need to worry about bringing food.

Tori and I are back together again.  I had a chance to see her online on Yahoo Messenger when I came back from Spider-Man 3.  Turns out that she's confused about the whole ordeal.  Well, weeks later now she would know what was going on between me and her friends.
I got in a fight with my ex, "KaTz", or Arian, whatever her name is.  Well, I'm back to cursing her after she glorified my friends' deaths this year and my mom's cancer.  Well, maybe not "glorified", but she responded "Karma's a real bitch, isn't it?".  Karma?  What the fuck would she know about karma?  So let me get this straight.  Three years later, I am cursed by the Almighty just because our relationship then didn't go the way she wanted it to.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think she knows what the hell she's talking about.  I quit talking to her after I tried to reason with her; I just assumed she was operating during a certain mode.  Truth is, however, that she has changed over time.
Anyway....I know she's reading this.  I know they're reading this.  This is public, after all.  The truth is, however, I don't care.  I don't care if they read any of this.  deviantART has these options to post journals online for a reason.  I accept it...

...but back to Tori.  During one of our last conversations, I learned that her two friends who have a grudge against me are actually her best friends.  This actually complicates things for me.  I can't shake the feeling that when I'm going to meet her in person for the first time I'm suddenly going to be pushed away by them.  It's not just me they're angry at; they don't adjust to Tori's other friends.  There is no logical explanation for why they are so disgruntled.  It's just their nature....so she says.
She can be friends with them.  But I don't want them to exploit it so they take control of her.  The way I see it about them is that they are so ridiculously overprotective of her that they are willing to lie about her saying something against me in order to push me away.  I was reluctant to have to show Tori their PM's, but the risky way is the only way.  Having their private messages revealed is the least they deserve for how cruel they treated me, after how nice I've been towards them.  I don't expect them to care that I revealed their private messages, in case they're reading this.  The fact is, they tried to destroy me, but they only made me "stronger".  I hate to quote a videogame character (Kane from Tiberian Sun), but it just sounds more accurate than any other message.  I need to be prepared for the event where I may have to fight them just so I can so much as greet Tori.  Granted, I will be protective of her too....but still.

That week, though, I realized how Mom felt after Dad divorced her.  I was just in complete shock.  I kept sleeping, had nothing better to do, kept crying.  Although Tori and I are back together, with her still seeing me as her big brother, and me still revering her as the little sister I never had....I don't think she will ever know why, or how much I truly love her.  All these years, I have felt like she was a part of my life.  She's a part of my picture.  She will always be.  I love her so much that I can never hope to turn back.  My other friends suggested that I get over it and move on....but it's not that easy.  Not for me.  Maybe for everyone else, but not me....
....but that's all in the past now.  Mock me if you must, but I thanked God that night when I got to talk to Tori.  As for Tori's friends, the only thing I can do is just ignore them and try not to be influenced by their lies.  As for KaTz....well, I have nothing to fear from her really.  "Karma".  I should have laughed.
  • Listening to: The Sweetest Days (Vanessa Williams)
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After three years, it's all over...

...I didn't think it would end this way.

I loved her.  She loved me.  I treated her fairly, and I've been honest with her.  And yet, she turns around, sics her friends on me, and uses them to explain the truth...

...why, Tori?  It's not fair!!  I LOVED YOU!!
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Yesterday morning I noticed a link hinting to "worst school shooting since Columbine" relating to one "Virginia Tech".  I ignored it, thinking, "huh, lovely", because I wanted to remain oblivious to the stupidity of school shootings.  But come the evening, there was no escaping it.  Mom asked me if I heard about it, and I said yes.  Well, I did some digging up on information.  New information will reveal itself in time.
We do not know WHY he carried out these acts; we don't know if the old neo-Nazi propaganda trick was involved like for Columbine and Red Lake.  I sarcastically considered that April should be "National Shoot-up-a-school Month", because some of the worst school shootings occur, or are plotted, during the month of April, and they have been since 1999.  A lot of these things had to do with Adolf Hitler's birthday.  Quite frankly, I am sick of Hitler; he's overrated, and everyone compares everthing to him.  "Doing this is like Hitler doing that".  Fucking annoying.

I don't know why I feel so upset today.....I wonder if it has anything to do with what took place yesterday...

How can people do these things, knowing full well of the consequences?  Knowing full well of what it will cost, and what will happen in the end?  Just like Columbine and Red Lake, the shooter claims some lives, and then commits suicide.  The total is 33, including himself.
The socio-political situation will not be favored; politicians and lobbyists will exploit this tragedy to further gun-control agendas, and videogames will be targeted again too.

The song I have playing in my mind is rather ironic.  It's a song that causes me to cry when I'm asleep.  It's supposed to be a happy song, but my views are warped enough that I find it depressing.  It has relevence to me in this event.

My Tori lives far away from where VT is, but I can't help but fear for her life.  Maybe that's why I am upset today, apart from the inquiry of what drives people to commit acts of stupidity like this.
And if that's not enough, Westboro Baptist Church is going to preach at the funerals of the victims.  WBC makes real Christians look bad, and in my humble opinion, the Phelps family (the ones who run WBC and www.godhatesfags.com ) and their followers seriously need to have their heads kicked in.

I don't know what else to say.  May God bless the families and friends of the victims, and may God help the rest of us.