Oh, I'm still around.

Obviously you would know that I'm still around, because a week ago I submitted a screenie of my current wallpaper.

I don't think I will be quitting deviantART, because if I said I was quitting, then I would be a hypocrite because obviously I would log back on to check for updates and possibly submit a deviation.  However I do want to state that I've not been around due to personal issues, particularly procrastination, long-distance relationship tension, and mental problems that I recently learned of.  Of course, you're thinking I have mental problems because of the images I uploaded, but that's you being prejudiced.  It all goes back to my experiences in school, and it's stuff I don't really want to get into.

I've been attempting to keep more discrete online, too.  I don't have an exact, logical reason for why I am keeping discrete.  I feel like I'm "changing".  One might assume that I'm turning into an asshole soon enough, which may not be far from the truth because, by some coincidence, having learned of what traces of disorders & syndromes I have has contributed to me becoming more irritable.  It has a lot to do with how I feel I've lost faith in humanity.  I feel like I cannot trust anyone anymore.  Basically, there was a lot of emotion I invested into these past few years, and although I live in my own apartment now, none of it is where I wanted to be.  If I had known that circumstances would be as they are now, truly I would have pushed harder while I was still working.  Now, denounce me all you want for what I'm about to say....but my energy is sapped.  There's so much going on in my personal life now, and I'm so far behind on certain events.  This is a possible example of "false confidence", the thing in which you are confident and proceeding on your little journey by putting your confidence to work....you would feel like you truly were getting somewhere in life, that every day wasn't being wasted, that everything you did was contributing to something much bigger, one step at a time.....but when you come to the end of your journey, after all's said and done....it was all for nought.  It's a really crappy feeling, to say the least.
There are times when I feel I might be turning into a racist, too.  Maybe it was a bad idea for me to see American History X, because God damn....that movie was so realistic and almost like I imagined.  People years ago were telling me to see the movie and eventually I did, albeit on YouTube.  I later bought a copy on DVD, which alleviated my "obsession" with the movie.

I've still not been able to get my damned book published.  My social-workers are suggesting that I hold off for a few more decades.  I never hoped to say this to them, but I will have to tell them the truth....I have damned good personal reasons as to why I want the book published.  I know I'm 23, and people would think it's weird to see a youngster like me writing a book about my life.  Well, you see, the book isn't entirely about my life.  It's also about my opinions of various aspects of life.  If anything, the book could be a philosophical title, though I don't think any genre would fit.  I'm not just in it for money, either.  I want to gauge the world's views, and see if some of my views will help them in one way or another.  I'm not a saint, mind you.  But apart from the concept of helping others, I mostly want to get my own views out to the world, preferably very soon.  When I'm online posting on blogs, I feel like I'm posting views that are very similar to what I have already written in my book.  There will always be at least one person on the Internet who will find these things and steal my ideas.  It's very irritating to have to repress the urge to express myself.  Basically, I'm taking a big, big risk by making this entry.  Weird as it sounds.
There are online websites that let you submit your work in a .PDF format (something I can't do because the program to do so costs money, something I also do not have).....but I am discouraged from doing so, because self-publishing websites have had horrific reputations for being untrustworthy.  Unfortunately there are no publishers anywhere in my area, except for one, but they're small-time and require a niche.  I don't have a niche.  I am what I am, God damn it.

The economic recession of this country is starting to piss me off, especially since I have given up trying to find a job.  More and more I'm for a war economy, and for the rise of PMC's, but we all know a war economy does far, far, far more harm than good.  If it's war, you know it's bad.  Don't remind me; I'm sick of people complaining about how bad war is.  Of course war is awful.  But sometimes it's the only method.  I hate to admit it but OIF has dragged on long enough, though.  Assuming progress is being made, how long does it take for the new government to get its act together?  Unfortunately, I heard stories about how the new police serve as a sort of death squad at night-time.  Not only that, but many of them are incompetent at best.  On the other hand, there are reports of soldiers finding it "boring" over there.  Overall, though, I don't know personally what's going on over there; there are a million places to consult, including news stations and Internet sites, even YouTube (some soldiers have uploaded their little videos to YouTube, way before that whole puppy-throwing incident).  Some say it's non-stop fighting 24/7 over there, but others say it's not that intense.  There is no source to trust.  We're on our own to make our own decisions based on what all we research.

...

...on June 12th, Metal Gear Solid 4 : Guns of The Patriots finally arrives.  Mom said she would help me in getting that 80GB PS3 bundle.  The total is $500.  Not bad considering that the 40GB green-colored PS3 bundle is $600.  The videogame industry is annoying me, too, but that's another financial issue, really.  I don't want to admit it, but I think that after I get this PS3 and play with it for as long as it exists in the coming years....I may just retire from gaming.  I hate to do it, because gaming is my life-long habit, therefore quitting will be difficult.  But, for many years now, I've been far behind, unable to keep up, unable to get them all like I used to when I was little.  The PS3 comes first.  In later years I may get the Xbox 360, though I'd get the Wii over that one because the Wii always was a unique system since its release.  I imagine Nintendo will continue to make games & entertainment systems for a long time.  But honestly, I don't know if I can keep up with it anymore.

Maybe the PS3 is why we're having a recession. Nobody can afford the hottest gaming console on the market (Wii?), so they have to save their money all the time, and when it happens by the millions, that's when economic performance turns shitty.  I think.  I'm not an economist; that shit's confusing.

Well, I think I've said enough for now.  I needed some way to kill time, anyway.  I'm tempted to make some HDTV wallpapers or something; they seem so easy to make, and when I get that damned system I could experiment around a little.